Never To Forget
by Tergon
Summary: Ray Crisp reflects on the person he is, the person he was, and the person he's going to be... and whether or not he likes any of them.


_This work of fanfiction was written for the InterNutter's BBS Fanwork Gift Exchange of Christmas 2004.  
The story itself is dedicated to Unknown Source. Merry Christmas!_

**Never To Forget**

My name is Ray Crisp. I don't need to be what anyone else wants me to be; and I don't need to be at the Xavier Institute if I don't want to be here. I can leave at any time.

I've started every entry in this… this book, journal, whatever it is – every single entry starts like that. And I know there was once a time when I believed it, too. I used to mean that when I wrote it, every word of it. Now it's just sort of mechanical, without meaning. That scares me a little.  
I started writing in this thing when I first came here. Wolverine and Xavier were all about getting control of my powers and I knew that when I got pissed off I sometimes lost it. Hey, they don't call me 'Berserker' for nothing. So, yeah, I figured this'd help, you know? Put the frustration down on paper, work it out of my system that way, so I don't snap and fry anyone. I guess at the start, you could say this book was more for the others than for me. After a while, that changed.  
It was when I got to talking with the older kids – hearing about them before they came here, what they were like – that I realised. All of them, every one, had become a different person after staying here for a while. No, that's not right. They were different, and then they all became the same person.  
I think that's worse somehow.

I mean, look at them.  
Scott Summers. He lost his family; watching them die was the last thing he saw before he got a hit on the head and lost control of his powers. When Xavier found him, he hadn't opened his eyes in God knows how long, never went out, never made friends with anyone. A total recluse.  
Kurt Wagner. Never left his pissant little mountain town in Bumblefuck Nowhere, Germany. Never went to school or even out in public. Made Summers look outgoing by comparison.  
Jean Grey. Never talks about her past. The most she's elaborated is that she used to think she was crazy, nearly had a breakdown when she started hearing voices; and the way she talks, the 'I know what it's like' thing, kind of makes you worried about what sort of stuff she really has seen. Whatever it is, it couldn't have been good.  
Kitty Pryde. Went into denial, refused to admit she was a mutant. Didn't even want to try dealing with it. Then, the first time she ran into Xavier and Jean, she nearly gets killed along with her whole family. You wouldn't think that's a great start.  
Rogue. She hated the Institute and everyone in it, hated her mutation, hated pretty much everything. She thought the Brotherhood had the right idea and was on their side.  
Evan Daniels. Figured the whole 'superhero' schtick was dumb from the start. He was arrested and flunking school before he came here, and at first he didn't like pretty much anyone except for his Aunt.

Those are the people they used to be. They'll tell you that themselves, or anyone else will tell you for them. But they're changed now. During the day they're friendly and outgoing and popular, all of them honours students or something at school. At night they're soldiers that make the US Marines look like a bunch of sissies.  
And the whole time, Xavier is sitting behind them with a big smile on his face because he took this bunch of kids and put them on his personal path to greatness. I could ignore that if it wasn't for the fact that nobody else even considers this. Sit down, think for a minute, and you see how weird it is; but nobody's ever done this. Even though thinking about the situation is logic and common sense.  
So why not?  
Then you think about Xavier a little more. He's the most powerful telepath in the world. He can control what you think, even the way that you think. And he's around these people all the time. Then suddenly they all want to turn their lives around and become soldiers in his private army.  
The guy has motive, means and opportunity to make people do whatever he wants. If he did, we'd never know he was controlling us; there'd be no way to know. If he thought someone suspected him, he could literally take the suspicions away like they'd never existed.  
Looking at the students here, and how they did a complete personality 360°, I have to wonder if maybe Xavier isn't quite as honest as he says he is.

I can see it starting to happen with the other new kids, too. Bobby the pranking idiot is settling down. Jubes the thieving mallrat is becoming responsible. Amara the snob is turning into a people person. Jamie the kid is starting to think like a soldier for Xavier's army.  
God help me, I can even see the changes in myself.  
I think Xavier's having trouble with me, though. He can't work my mind around too easily and still be subtle about it. He wouldn't want anyone else to see the change, and he can't change me quickly or dramatically without others noticing, so he's got to take it slow and steady. And I have shields to make it hard for him.  
I had to learn shields, back when I was with the Morlocks. The resident telepath wasn't exactly gentle, so if you wanted to last you built up shields. After a while it gets so they're always up without you even trying, or thinking about it. Apparently I've got that too, since Jean's commented on it a couple times.  
Of course I don't know if it does anything. I also don't really know if Xavier's actually fucking with us, of if I'm just paranoid. I think I'm not under his thumb, because if I was I wouldn't be writing these words or thinking these thoughts. And I only suspect Xavier because it's too much of a fucking coincidence for a pessimist like me. I have no proof but for what I figure out on my own; and that's not much because there can't be any proof in the first place. It's our thoughts. What am I supposed to do? Accuse him on the grounds that I thought on a different wavelength last week?

There are clues, though. Like when I read this book.  
The first dozen entries or so have 'fucking' as every fifth word. I'm bitching about the no-smoking rule. I say how much I want to punch Guthrie, or how annoying Pryde is. And I'm writing really badly, really messily, enough to flunk any English class I ever sat in.  
Then it starts to change. The writing gets neater, the curse words go away. I don't even want to smoke any more. I get to like Guthrie. Pryde stops pissing me off. I start getting worried about my grades, of all things. And these entries are all headed by some empty promise about who I am and how I'm not going to change it for anyone.  
But I am changing. I'm becoming a patented Xavier student, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'd leave if I had somewhere to go, I'd fight him if I knew how… but I haven't, and I can't, so I don't. All I do, all I can do, is keep going and try not to forget what I promised myself.  
This book helps me remember. I don't think Xavier knows about it; if he did, the book would probably disappear. Then I'd know he was playing us, but by then I'd have no chance of getting out. So it's kind of like a game, now… how long can I hide the book from him? How long until Xavier cracks me? How long before I break the promise I made myself?  
There's a part of me that knows it won't be long at all. One day, I know, I'm going to stop writing in my book; and that'll be the day that Xavier wins and I become another grunt in his army. That'll be the day that it all ends.

Yeah, my name is Ray Crisp; still is, always will be. But you know what my problem is?  
It's that I have no fucking idea who that is any more.

**Fin.**


End file.
